Chinese-style forcing marriage is fiercer than a tiger

| February 19th, 2012

From people.cn via sina:

20120219-forcing-marriage-01

People often tease, in Chinese people’s mind, not getting married is equivalent of “being abnormal”, not having children after marriage is looked as “counter-revolutionary”. (反革命: The term counter-revolutionary in China describes criminal activities including charges such collaborating with foreign forces and inciting revolts against the government.)  Therefore, the Spring Festival, Singles day and Valentine’s Day have become the days these “abnormal” and “counter-revolutionary” go on trial.  Especially those so-called leftover men and leftover women became targets of the crusade. All kinds of helplessness and sadness merged into one sentence = “Forcing Marriage, Chinese-style” is fiercer than a tiger!

To older unmarried men and women, they probably already have been “scarred” by the past Spring Festival.  “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?” “When are you getting married?” “Why don’t you think for the your parents?”  Parents try both soft and hard tactics, seventh uncle and eighth aunt’s firing with their weapons. Then looking at classmates and friends who were already taken, or holding baby and wife, everyone looked so sweet and loving, however the leftover men and women could not eat well, sleep well, choking when they speak, the entire holiday was a living hell.

Just recovered from the Spring Festival a little bit, here came the Valentine’s Day. The businesses now days really wanted to make money like crazy, thought of all kinds of money making schemes.  “Lovers’ package”, “Designed and created for couples”, “In the name of love” etc. shopping malls, restaurants and movie theaters all played the sweet Valentine’s Day gimmicks.  Suddenly, filled with sweet smell of the roses and chocolate, love is in the air of Valentine’s Day.  It was defiantly happy and romantic to the lovers, however to older unmarried men and women, being single is torment – just dodged parent’s forcing marriage attacks, now unknowingly were trapped into businesses’ forcing marriage spider web.

Now, a person’s marriage has become the concern of the entire family, concerns of millions of families coming together and evolved into the topic of the society as a whole.  In formal occasions or informal occasions, on the dinner table, on the training, standing, sitting and chatting, the topic always revolves around marriage.  This is a typical Chinese characteristic, which is impossible to defend against. Being just a little careless, single men and women will “get shot” and became everyone’s target.  Even tiger has naptime, “China style forcing marriage” is everywhere and all the time, it is fiercer than a tiger!

Over time, you will not be able to defend no matter how thick skinned you are.  Your heart will turn chaotic no matter how calm you are.  A friend of mine was both beautiful and talented. Ever since college, she was either in love or going through a breakup, but never found the right one.  She was super calm only a few years ago, often said “quality over quantity”.  This year, soon to be 30, parents and relatives all became anxious and increased their “attacks”, joining the match making business.  Friend joked that now she is either on a blind date or on her way to a blind date, she lost all her drives.  What “quality over quantity”? Might as well “marry a chicken, go with the chicken and marry a dog, go with a dog”. (old Chinese saying meaning a woman follows her husband no matter what he is)

Rushed into marriage after being “forced”, the two only have seen each other a few times.  Not yet figured out each other’s personality, how happy do you think this kind of marriage will be?  You can tell from the high divorce rate in the recent years.  I believe, all parents in the world want their children to be happy, even forcing marriage has the same purpose.  Parents just want to see their children to get married earlier and form a family to live happily.  No one wants to see children fighting after marriage, broking plates and throwing bowls and going into cold war after the hot war.

That being so, may as well give them more space and time, do not exert so much pressure.  After all, marriage is between two people, parents or relatives and friends can only stay behind the sideline, give advices and encouragements, but not to force too much pressure.  As the society develops, people’s ideas must change as well.  Please do not see single men and women as “poison snakes”, or use too much imagination. It is better to take off the tinted glasses.

Hope after N years, “forcing marriage” is just a myth.

26 Comments | Leave a comment | Comment feed

  1. Laughable says:

    That’s the problem with “old” chinese tradition. They keep bugging you to get married over and over even if you don’t want, in order to continue the family line (apparently bigger family tree = more influence). Well… that’s pretty much the mentality of the “older” mainland chinese generation. If you’re not married by 30 it means you are “damaged” or a “loser”. No wonder population explosion in China is a serious problem. Then comes in the government, they had to enforce 1 child policy (to keep population under control, can’t really blame them — the whole country barely have enough resources to feed 1.5 billion people) and of course all the parents wants male child. This produce male to female population disparity where there’s over 30 million guys of marry age who can’t find a mate. Yes it’s stupid. All of it is stupid.

  2. Xiao Yang says:

    I just broke up with my Chinese boyfriend because he kept pushing me to marry him this summer, while I’m not ready for that yet. I’m only 22, but he is getting close to the ‘dangerous’ age of 30. He didn’t even go home this last Spring Festival, I’m sure that’s because he was afraid of his family’s pushing. As he choose me, a foreign girl, I thought he wasn’t that much of a traditional guy, but in the end it seems to be the age/date of marriage is more important for him (/his family?) than the person he’s marrying with. Anyway, as it is the culture they grow up with, we can’t really blame them, but I’d hope they’ll let this ‘old’ tradition go someday.

    • voiceofhomer says:

      Betcha if a whitey or a black man wants you, you will be bagging them to take you right now.

      And do not lie, you know you want it bad.

    • 老外 says:

      So let me get this straight. You were with him because…? Usually it’s the men who are afraid of commitment, y’know.

      • Xiao Yang says:

        Because I do want to marry him and do see a future with him, but only after I graduate. Until the summer of 2013 I’ll still be university back in my country, so what use would it have to marry him and then leave his side again?

        • 老外 says:

          Where are you from? Judging by your post, I assume you’re not Chinese (could be wrong). If that’s the case, why not take him with you to your home country? I think he really loved you if he asked you to marry him. Chinese men won’t just marry any woman…

          Considering the way you talked about him, you don’t seem to have much respect for him, and I don’t see any mention of love anywhere. It would appear that the relationship was all about what you wanted for yourself. You seem bitter 🙁

          Love will find a way. When a relationship becomes all about what one person wants (“my way or the highway”), it’s destined to fail. People don’t seem to be willing to make sacrifices anymore.

          • Xiao Yang says:

            Well I don’t know why you judge me this way, but please realize you are now judging me based on two posts, in which I didn’t even say that much. I don’t really think I need to defend myself, but I can say I do really love him and have been putting many efforts into our future together. I am from The Netherlands and he never wanted to come here so I am always going to China to see him. I am very willing to do that for him, next to that I’m also willing to give up everything I’ve got here to go live with him in the future.
            It’s the reason he wants to marry me sooner that pushes me away: he literally said it’s because his parents can’t wait. If it wasn’t for his parents he wouldn’t mind waiting until I graduate. So I should rush in to marriage this summer just because his parents are impatient? That, in my eyes, can’t be the reason for my marriage. I want to marry when the time is there and it feels good for both him and me, not just because of his parents.
            And this will always be a dispute, someone has to give in, should I give up my (and my parents’) wish to marry after I graduate and marry him this summer, or should he give up his (parents’) wish to marry this year and wait for me one more year? It’s a thing we’ve been discussing for a while now and bystanders may think we don’t really love each other if we can’t get to an agreement but… for now we’ve decided to both let go, though we both can’t and still call each other every day.

  3. garth says:

    there are two prevailing attitudes in these answers. First, it is obvious as in many countries that stride into modernity that the young females adapt the fastest. They quickly realize their strengths and cast off the medieval yokes long before males. This is immensely threatening to the slower males. Just read the obvious commentary on most of these blogs by Asian males. Your only salvation will be when you truly recognize the women as equals and treat them as friends. They will then respect you and treat you better. In the meanwhile, realize that they will increasingly not accept that they are born to make your family happy, ie, giving them a male heir. Who gives a shit? Stop being a bunch of mommy’s boys. The ones we have in the west don’t last long even if they find a wife. The belief that you owe someone something because they happen to have sex one time is crap. If those same people, your parents, use it as an excuse to abuse you from birth, under the guise of “wanting what’s best for you”, they don’t deserve children. Girls are showing that they are fed up with their underling status in the Asian society, so look out boys. The other point is that blaming other races for your insecurity and using coersion with your own kind to get your way is not going to change things. Get some balls, man up and get a life. Then perhaps you can feel good for yourself and those around you.

  4. Huzhang says:

    Passing on your bloodline is important. Having a huge population makes your civilization strong. Hippie whining about overpopulation or not, it’s true.

  5. garth says:

    Note to Xiao. Get a life, get a real boyfriend, friend being the operative word. If, as you say, you are willing to give up so much to be with him, then dont waste time educating yourself. His family is more important than you. You will spend your life in subservience. Get more confidence in yourself. Life in the Netherlands as an educated, independant woman, or as a second class woman answering to an ignorant arrogant husband in China? Where is the choice here, except that it is obvious you need some encouragement to be more self respecting. Be the best you can be with your education and eventually you will meet a real man, with a mind of his own, that respects and loves you no matter what you want to do. Respect is a two way street.
    Note to Huzhang! Do you think passing on your bloodline is going to benefit anyone or thing except your tiny ego. I have four daughters, all adopted except one. Ranging in age from 11-40. The youngest one is Chinese by birth. The rest are caucasian. I have 6 grandchildren from the older ones, all boys. I may not have passed on my bloodline as you put it but I have passed on a lot of happiness and love and I get it back ten times more without having to ask for or demand it. I realize you will find that strange but I never have to worry whether my girls or grandchildren respect me thats their choice. Strong nation, what, 98% live like dogs while 2% live like kings, something wrong with this dont you think?

    • cindy says:

      garth:

      “……Be the best you can be with your education and eventually you will meet a real man, with a mind of his own, that respects and loves you no matter what you want to do. Respect is a two way street….”

      Amen!

  6. garth says:

    Note to Ido. You must live in China. We cannot adopt children because the parents are poor in our country. We dont have any extremely poor people here. Anyone that is poor receives at least 100000 rmb in your money a year. If you have children and have no income it goes much higher. We can only adopt children if the parents are dead, have chosen not to keep them, etc. It is strictly controlled by a court that does not have corrupt officials. I can see from your point of view how things work in your country but it is not possible to have the same here. I know there are many terrible things happening to your citizens and I wish it were not so. When I adopted, my wife and I were not rich, just average by our standards. We never thought about how expensive it would be to give them a good life but fortunately, here one can always make a good living if they try. That is why so many of your citizens come to this country. Sorry you only have your experiences to compare. I read this and other english language blogs and when i see the deplorable things that happen, I feel sick that any human can be subjected to some of the things we read. Hope things improve greatly for you in the near future.

  7. garth says:

    What has your three evil forces to do with getting married? Is it one of them? Possibly, i suppose,i if your outlaws, whoops, inlaws are party members.

  8. cindy says:

    “…People often tease, in Chinese people’s mind, not getting married is equivalent of “being abnormal”, not having children after marriage is looked as “counter-revolutionary”. (反革命)………….“Forcing Marriage, Chinese-style” is fiercer than a tiger!…………………”

    What is wrong with being single and not married? This is the exact reason why this world is so populated. People are “required” to get married and have kid before 30 in many culture or else they will be pressured.
    People need to understand our planet earth is dying. Overpopulated and pollutions everywhere. Kids are dying every minute of starvation and illness as we speak.

    I think every country in the world should preach and promote the positive image of having no children and it’s okay to stay single. They should even have an international holiday to celebrate it. This old culture attacking single people must stop. You will find yourself happier to stay single instead of being forced into marrying someone you don’t love. And if you do have kid you should postpone it as late as possible like after 34 and just have one. It’s better for the earth.

  9. Z 5300 says:

    I think this will to force young people into marriage comes from the lack of retirement policies in China (between others). If the elders could benefit from pensions like the ones in the West, they wouldn’t count on their offspring to ensure them a living. There’s an understatement in marrying and having children in China : parents want them to do so because they expect from their sons and daughters to take care of them when they get old and sharing their income to live on. A lot of Asian immigrants (and immigrants in general) in the West send a monthly fee to their parents back in the homeland, wilfully or not if they feel it doesn’t make sense.

  10. trogg says:

    China keeping to it’s time honored culture and traditions are the envy of the Western world, whose civilaztions are dying. Even Korea and Japan, of the Far East but who copy Western cultures are also not producing offspring for the next generations.

    China stands alone as the wave of the future!

  11. Ian says:

    This is a bit late as the last posts are early in 2012. The subject though, is still very relevant. My Chinese (EX) G /F has lived in my country for just over 4 years. Only one of her family who does. The rest of them all live in Southern China. She is 38 and I am a divorced white man. She runs her families business interests in my country. Her mom and dad became alarmed at her involvement with me, I don’t know the
    full details, but overnight, just after she told me how much she loved me, she stopped talking to me – took me 7 weeks before she would talk to me again and tell me why. Her parents wont accept me it seems and this weekend – 8 weeks now after the wall “went up” she is on a plane back to China to meet a man her
    parents want her to hook up with. She put it to me like this, “if I would want a cup of coffee and they say,
    no, have a cup of tea, I will have the tea, because although I wanted coffee I don’t dislike tea, and if it
    makes them happy it will make me happy too.” I can read her well enough to know she wanted to be with me, how can a white guy win with this attitude?

  12. Ian says:

    As far as the comments about a “pure” China from those of you who post this junk, that’s the same sort
    of stuff the Hitler was peddling. The Chinese cannot expect the rest of the world just to accommodate what they want, there has to be a little thing called “give and take” = compromise. The Chinese do not
    seem to willing to educate themselves to this need. I get off the plane there and I am a foreigner to be looked down on, they get off the plane here and we help them and don’t treat them as anything as human beings to be respected on the merit of who they are as an individual. Such a vast difference. As to “civilisation” and old culture, the Chinese should study there own history a bit better and understand all
    the human misery and millions of deaths that were bought about in making China “one” country. It is
    nothing to brag about.

    • Gary John says:

      Jews are the main problem.

      They encouraged Whites to embrace feminism and stay single. The White population is shrinking.

      The White Liberal motto is: “Embrace diversity AT ALL COSTS, even if it means compromising one’s own safety and standard of living, and even when non-Whites put their own racial interests first.”

      Why are so many Whites celebrating diversity as they slowly become minorities in nations founded and built by Whites? White taxpayer money is being used to help fund diversity. In other words, Whites are paying to replace themselves by non-Whites.

      Upshot? Whites are paying to become a minority! (read INSANITY)

      And they are celebrating it!

      Do non-Whites flock to White majority nations because Whites usually build the most desirable societies?

      Is every race capable of building/maintaining a 1st world nation? (e.g. Detroit) Ever thought minorities are privileged to live in White majority societies?

      What’s stopping minorities using their increasing wealth and power to promote their own interests at the expense of Whites? Minorities WILL NOT reciprocate the compassion and tolerance Whites have shown. (this cannot be emphasized enough)

      I can’t wait to see the look on White Liberal faces when Whites become a minority. Their multi-culti, Utopian dreams will come crashing down around them.

      The greatest civilizations were built on recognizing people are not equal. Equality is a social construct. Race is a biological reality.

  13. Anne says:

    The solution is to spend more time with friends, spend less time with family. Value the opinion of friends over the opinion of family.

    Britain, Hong Kong, and the rest of the West, USED to hold the opinions of The Parents as ALMIGHTY, they moved past that, China should too. I’m not saying don’t love your parents, but just because you love your parents doesn’t mean you should let them rule your life, it’s YOUR LIFE. If they can’t respect that, they don’t deserve your time. Spend Spring Break with FRIENDS – the family of choice!

    If you don’t stand up to your family, if you compromise your integrity, you will end up a complete joke: look at Prince Charles (a complete joke)! He actually met his mistress before his wife: they were both unmarried then – but because he didn’t stand up to his family*, he made his first love a mistress, and he victimized innocent Lady Diana, and is rightly reviled for it.

    *family: Queen Elizabeth actually faced family and court disapproved when she married Prince Philip, so I’m of the opinion that her disapproval of Charle’s first choice might have been a Secret Test of Character, to see if he was man enough to stand up for his love or if he loved his social standings more…he failed.

    • Anne says:

      Oh, I’m from Hong Kong, but my grandmother is a Chinese from Mainland.

      I love my grandmother and my grandmother loves me, even though she’s always urging me to settle down with a good man when I’m not done living my life. Do I throw away my life at her urging? No. I change the topic, or, every time she starts badgering me about a boyfriend, I get up, walk away from her, and come back later – she soon stopped badgering me about boyfriends!

  14. Violet says:

    American white girl here. Have been going through an existential crisis. Korean-American boyfriend of 4 years was visiting his family in S. Korea for the holidays and decided to tell them about me, that he had found someone who makes him happy. He figured they’d just ease into it, but unfortunately, that was not the case. His father took his passport, interrogated him, deprived him of sleep and food and told him he could not return unless he proposed to whatever woman his father found for him. Through various fear tactics and mind games, he has been forced into marrying a woman he does not even know and both of our lives are now left shattered.

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